Before You Go
by p0tterhead
Summary: Sirius is waiting to be sent to a high-security cell in Azkaban, but before he does, he has one final visitor... Remus Lupin.


Sirius leaned against the wall of his cell, watching drops of water drip from the ceiling in the most grime-caked corner of the tiny space. Azkaban was more or less what he had expected: no windows, no bed, depressingly thick bars, and so dirty that even the rats that Peter had sometimes talked to would turn up their noses.

Peter. A million regrets coursed through his mind. He hadn't killed him well enough. He had wanted to _see_ his body blown to bits all over the street, wanted to see more than his pathetic, fat little finger strewn carelessly on the concrete. He wanted to apologize individually to each and every Muggle family whose sons and daughters and mothers and fathers Peter had killed in his mind-boggling cowardice. He wanted to turn back time and beg himself not to underestimate his ever less-talented friend. He'd never had any idea what Peter was capable of. Capable of killing innocent people. Innocent Muggles.

And all the innocent people whom Sirius had loved so much, innocent people who were dead now just because Peter _the rat _Pettigrew valued his own life over theirs. As if he'd ever done a noble or worthwhile thing in his entire life. The others had; Benjy and Caradoc and Dorcas and Lily and _James_ and-

Sirius heard footsteps approaching and tensed. He never heard footsteps. Only screams, now. It crossed his mind that it might be one of the dementors, taunting him with the idea of having a visitor. He'd been in Azkaban for two days, he wasn't even in a high-security cell yet, and the bone-chilling things had already become his worst fear. He wished desperately for his wand. He'd always been excellent at the Patronus Charm. The great silvery dog would come bounding forward, barking away the horrible creatures, and Sirius could breathe a sigh of relief. But now, he was on his own, about to be forced to relive all of the deaths again…

But the horrible chill did not come. A pug-faced guard approached. "Black," he barked. "You've got your last visitor before we move you to high-security." Sirius did not respond. He was too shocked. Who could be visiting him? He was the most hated ex-Order member ever to live.

Remus Lupin appeared in the narrow corridor outside of his cell. He was more horribly scratched and scarred than Sirius had ever seen him, his expression could only be described as deadened, and for all intents and purposes he seemed to be only slightly more substantial than Nearly-Headless Nick. Still, it was Lupin. It was Moony. A huge wave of relief and joy washed over Sirius. Moony knew he was innocent. He was going to get him out of this terrible place. "Moony, it's you-"

"Managed to maintain your easy grace, if not your illusion of goodness, Black," Lupin sneered. His expression was one of unadulterated hatred. Sirius's heart sank horribly.

"Moony, I-"

"_How dare you call me that_?" Lupin shrieked. He looked frighteningly mad; he seemed to be practically foaming at the mouth. "Our old school nicknames? When half of us are dead because of you? Is this your sick sense of humor coming out to play?" His breathing was quick and furious; he looked as if he wished to tear apart the bars and personally strangle Sirius.

"Remus, you must know that I didn't do it! It was Peter! _He_ was the spy, not me!" Sirius pleaded, praying with every fiber of his being that his best friend would believe him, praying that someone would believe the _truth_.

"How dare you." Remus wasn't raving anymore; his voice was low and deadly. "How dare you try to pin this on someone who loved and trusted you, whom you _murdered."_ Sirius fought the bizarre desire to laugh at the fact that Remus's grammar was still perfect. "And I should have known," Remus continued, cruel pleasure glinting in his eyes. "With the _family_ you come from. Blood will out, I suppose. Couldn't resist joining the champion of your people, the hater of the so-called Mudbloods and Muggles?"

Sirius could do nothing but stare, too hurt to speak. He had fought being compared to his family his entire life. How could Remus ever think, after all the years they'd been friends, that Sirius was truly like them?

"Peter, with someone like you, I can understand," Remus went on maliciously. It was evident that he had thought about all the things he wanted to say before coming. "Weaker wizards must be eliminated, right? And Benjy and Caradoc and Dorcas-" Remus's voice caught in his throat at this, but he was not finished yet. "_She_ was a laugh, I suppose? Another Order member for your dearest Lord to cut down for his own amusement?"

"Remus, I would never-"

"And Lily, she was just a filthy Mudblood to you, so she had to be eliminated, didn't she?"

"_No-_"

"And James, he married her, and made a disgusting half-blood baby, so he _deserved_ it, didn't he-"

"_Stop it_-"

"But there's one person I still don't understand." Remus's voice was even quieter now, and there was real confusion mixed with the malice. Sirius knew what was coming. He had dreaded this moment; he had prayed that in the confusion with the end of the war, and the deaths of James and Lily, no one would accuse him of _this._ It was worse even than being thought responsible for the death of the realest brother he'd ever had.

"Remus, I'm begging you, please-"

"Two, really." Lupin chuckled without humor.

Tears were filling Sirius's eyes now; this was far worse than the dementors-

"Marlene and your baby." Remus's voice wavered slightly, and for the briefest moment Sirius dared to hope he would stop there. He did not. "You saw her off with a kiss and a smile and sent her to her family so they could all die together- neatly, was it? I thought you understood when I lost Dorcas. I thought- I thought you really loved Marlene. I was there through all of it. At school, every time she was there for you, and you for her. I watched you make that stupid humiliating speech to win her back, and I watched it work, somehow. I remember when you owled me with the baby news, you were so excited that your handwriting was even worse than normal." Now Lupin's eyes were brimming with tears. "At least I thought so. And the entire time, you were just planning to have her killed. I was stupid to believe your elaborate lie. How many times did you say it yourself, Black? You could never love anyo-"

"_STOP IT!" _Sirius screamed. He could not bear this; could not bear for the realest and most wonderful and most important thing he'd ever had in his life to be reduced to nothing with mere words. He was sobbing now, without even wishing to stop himself. "I did love her, of course I did, you saw it yourself. I'd die for her, and our- our baby-"

"You _can't_ love," Remus hissed viciously. "You've proved that." He straightened himself and motioned to the guard. "Rot in hell," he spat. In mere moments, the sound of his footsteps faded away.

Later, when the dementors did come for the prisoners, they passed over Sirius's cell. They seemed to think they'd already gotten him that night.


End file.
